The Wages of Inconsistency

Hold Tight Only to Compassion

It has been said by experts, "You must be consistent, or your children will be confused."
Nonsense.
Who among us is consistent?
Circumstances are always changing.

Children become confused when parents become rigid,
holding rules above love.
Be consistently flexible.
Hold tight only to compassion.

~from The Parent's Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents

This quote was on the top of my Facebook News Feed this afternoon. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis: how often I parent from the place of "this is what we've done before, so the answer is NO!" or something to that effect.

Compassion, as it feeds our ability for empathy, is the foundation parenting principle of the Echo Center. Current research with children reveals that emotional intelligence is tantamount for brain development. Further, it offers that connecting with children and recognizing their emotions in the moment (i.e. the flailing little girl at the store, or the suddenly sad and "acting-out" little boy over leaving home for that appointment) provides for more whole, compassionate people when the child is older. My kneejerk response is to correct out of an (understandable) frustration towards the desired behavior of said child. This quote and the Echo Center paradigm runs counter (and counter-cultural) with the current philosophy of parenting: discipline towards compliance. "Good" boys and girls, via proper behavior, is the parenting goal for many of us.

Myself included: I often fall into disciplining for compliance, despite my time and effort with the Echo Center and desire for an empathetic connection to my boys. My real struggle is this walking the line of compliance and parenthood, vs. connecting my children in their emotions. Directing or disciplining that doesn't fall into that "command and control" mentality is a hard road to walk for me.

How do I love my kids, and allow them to be children? How do I teach them compassion, when my own experience has been compliance? Further, how does one do this well, without being overly permissive as parents, instilling a sense of respect and proper posture between parent and child?

What are your thoughts?

Remembering Nan

Nan, my maternal grandmother, passed on a couple of weeks ago. She had Alzheimers for years, and the last 6 or so have been increasingly difficult as the disease slowly stole her away from us. My dad had heard her utter the last words she would initiate on her own 6 months ago, and even these were reading speed limit signs on a road trip to see family. I had mourned her a great deal before her death, through the years as I both saw her at visits and during conversations with my mom about her decline. The day she passed and over the weekend were also hard, as I mourned the woman who was a mere shell of a vibrant, welcoming host with an easy, tittering laugh. I realized I was also mourning the chance to mourn; the disease likewise quietly and insidiously took her away so slowly that it stunted an opportunity for remembering and honoring her as she was. As I looked at her for the last time, there was a quiet rejoicing at the deep peace for Nan, who joined Pap, my grandfather, in rest.

Saying goodbye on Thurs. morning at the funeral may have been the hardest. After everyone else had their last opportunity to say goodbye at the viewing, I was the last to release Nan from our family, next to my brother and his little boy. The four of us looked on, my brother quietly weeping. I was holding Owen, our oldest, who looked on unaware of who this woman was. He was quiet and curious, his gaze intent on her.

He asked me (as is his habit lately): Who's that?
Me: That's Nan. That's dada's grandma.
O: I wanna see her.
Me: There she is. She's sleeping. She's gonna be asleep for a long time.
O: I wanna touch her.
Me: That would be good, wouldn't it? I know you do, but we'll wake her.
Me: Can you say 'Love you Nan?'
O: Love you Nan.
Me: [I start weeping] Can you say 'I'll miss you Nan?'
O: Miss you Nan.
Me: Can you tell her 'bye-bye'?
O: Bye-bye.
We stood for a moment longer, just being present with Nan, something I hadn't been able to do in over 6 years, and the only opportunity for Owen.

That was hard. Still is; I'm crying now. Something about holding Owen in his innocent wonder and curiosity, wanting to spend time with Nan who was sleeping, was powerful and touched something deep. Perhaps I was saying goodbye through Owen, somehow unaware in the moment that I never really had the chance. Perhaps I'll know, perhaps not. I'm learning to grieve; to not over-analyze, and to rest with who I am in the moment. Damn, its hard to do that. Perhaps its the gift of death from those who proceed us to learn to live more in wholly.

Even since then, while both in Hershey and a few days after our return he said "I wanna see Nan" or "Can I play with Nan?" Our little one seems to love people, even when he hasn't yet met them.

Nan, you were loved by the great-grandchildren you were never given the opportunity to know even in life. Rest in Peace; you waited too long for this opportunity that was taken from you. Sleep deep...

Politically UNcorrect Fable Characters

Soooo, I had my first experience with our eldest saying "the wrong thing at the wrong time." It was embarrassing, flabbergasting, disarming, I'm sure extremely uncomfortable with the man in the bike shop, and yet I haven't been able to stop my shameful laughter when I think about it.

O and I walked in shop together and enjoyed the "hundreds" of bikes around us, while another man - who was rather obese - entered the shop behind us. O didn't see him then, but was enjoying the tire pumps while I kept an eye on him and labored over tire decisions. After this gentlemen made his transactions he walked through the area of the shop where O and I were when my firstborn finally noticed him. He smiled with a touch of wonder on his cheerful toddler face, stopped inflating imaginary tires, looked up at the man, pointed, and said

"Look dada, it's Humpty Dumpty."

I could've been in space in the two seconds that followed. I struggled to breathe in the vacuum, and to know how to respond. This man heard: no doubt. Our proximity allowed for nothing else with O's little voice and volume. O wanted me to know I was seeing a celebrity, so he repeated

"It's Humpty Dumpty Dada."

I quietly affirmed his sighting, and redirected him to the counter at the bike shop to check out. (The owner didn't hear; we were too far. Thank GOD.) Although I felt extremely embarrassed, for I'm sure the man felt TERRIBLE/ashamed/embarrassed, I also had trouble not laughing. (And still do. Having trouble containing it as I type this. I know, I'm probably going to hell.) It wasn't like O isn't familiar with any other childhood characters: he didn't pick the Farmer in the Dell or Old MacDonald, he picked Humpty.

For the record, I'm not angry with our starstruck little one, nor did I reprimand him. He was a pre-schooler identifying what he experienced in his life. It wasn't his fault, nor do I hold him to that.

But what do I do in this place? Any parents have any feedback from their own experiences?

The "Have I Already Ruined My Son For Life??!?!?" Moment Of the Day

Setting
Having just been changed after playing outside in water, I'm (Brian) trying to convince a tired O to put on his shirt.

Dialogue
O: I don't like my penis.

[Dada: Oh $h%^! What have I done to my son at so young an age?!?!?? Does he want to have a sex change already?!?!? Am I not affirming his masculinity?!??]

O: I don't like my penis.
D [apprehensively, with internal panic, guilt, shame, etc]: Oh? Why not?
O [think Rainman]: Yeah. I don't like my penis.
D [maintain internal emotional control, he's 2.5 years old]: You don't like your penis? Can you tell dada why?
O [still rainman]: yeah. I don't like my penis.
D [try same tack, something's gotta give, right?] Ok. Can you tell dada why?
O [still rainman]: yeah. I don't like my penis.
D [confusion, reasoning isn't working] Ooooook... You don't like your penis?
O [rolling around a bit, fidgeting]. Yeah. I don't like my penis.
D [silence] ????
O [absent-mindedly kicking at dada] I don't like my shirt.
D [heart rate drops from hummingbird speed, sweat dissipates, embarrassment sets in] Right O. That's good, neither does dada.

Longest 30 seconds of my week. Eeesh.

We're Still Here!

Well, I begin every post with, "it's been such a long time since I've updated our blog!" So I suppose this time I'll spare you! We have a friend who has a blog and hadn't updated it for a LONG time and when she did she said, "I could've had a baby in the time since I've updated!" We have two babies (technically a toddler and a baby- although Elias is going to borrow the car next week- more on this later) and it's only been 5 months since I've updated, so I'm still good, right???!! :)

Thanks for your patience! What has been happening in the Shope home since July? Quite a bit- rest assured I've composed thousands of blog posts in my head since then - maybe my New Year's resolution should be to keep this updated! The funny thing is we never have time to update it - unless I use my lunch time at work. Oh well!



Elias is now 6 and 1/2 months old (these pics are from 4 mos)! I'm really not sure how this happened, as he was born two weeks ago. The boy does not stop moving- even when sleeping, which he abhorrs and I have the dark circles under my eyes to prove it! He is always on the move running after big brother. He started crawling the Monday before Thanksgiving and pulled himself up two days later. I often find myself telling him, "Elias! Mama said sit down, son! You're supposed to be the little one!!" We recently started solid foods and it's going ok- he much prefers mama milk, but we're working on it.



Owen is now 22 mos. and doing great- he's so busy and talking more and more. His favorite words are currently, "bussssh" this is his word for "bus", which we see drive by our house multiple times a day. He says, "it's ssslllouud" for "it's loud" and "swatch" for "watch me". He is also climbing everywhere and loves to build a tower of blocks and then knock them down while laughing with glee. He is Mr. curious and wants everything that Mama and Dada have- including coffee, which is a constant battle, "this is a mama and dada drink, O." :) He wants to do everything himself and loves trucks and his new nativity set from Nanny and Grandpa. He's still a huge dancer and drummer and he actually has quite a bit of skill. A lot of his time is now taken up hoarding toys in his lap so his now mobile little brother can't get to them. Hmm. Progress, not perfection, right?? :)



Brian is doing well- just finished this quarter at Fuller after a grueling week of papers and group projects. He wears the Daddy hat so well and loves playing with the boys. He's been with them M-Th 8-1 since Sept. and they have a good time walking Maggie and going to the park.



I am back to work part-time until March when it will be full-time. :( I love my afternoons with the boys and have been making a lot of new vegetarian recipes, which has been tons of fun. Work is pretty good - I love teaching our classes. I've been busy preparing for our families to come for Christmas- my parents, Brian's parents, and his brother and their family will all be here, so it should be fun.




I've been telling everyone that it can't be Christmas, I feel like it was just Halloween, so in that vein, here are the boys in their Halloween costumes! Maybe by April I'll have the current pics downloaded and posted. :)






Enjoy!

Elias Evers!

It's much, much too late to start a new blog post, but I am trying so hard to get caught up so I can keep everyone updated on the new and exciting happenings in our lives- things like a new kiddie pool, Owen pooping on the kitchen floor, Elias holding his head up, sleeping all day and only 2 hr. stretches at night (what's up with that??!!), and the car ride this weekend when I told Owen, "son, don't lick the bottom of your shoe!" Only the beginning of "things I never thought I'd say- life with 2 boys 15 months apart!!" :) Fun stuff!

So for those of you who would like to know how we finally named our 2nd son, here goes...

We didn't have a boy name chosen before we went into labor- this was the same for Owen as well. However, we thought we had time to discuss our short list during labor, as we did last time. Wrong! The fastest birth ever (in under 4 hours) did not allow for any discussion of names- we almost didn't make it to the hospital (see previous post for gory details!). Our doula and friend, Amanda, will insist at our next birth that we sleep at the hospital the night before to avoid having her deliver a baby! :) Of course, us fertile Shope's are really, really hoping to wait and welcome baby #3 on the East coast. :) Anyway...

Elias was born and we had no name, so we called him baby Shope for the first day of his life. He also earned the nickname "little bug" rather quickly because of his "glow worm- like" appearance when he was swaddled with his baby hat on (see below).

Little bug



Our family was clamoring for a name and we were hoping to be able to tell Owen the name of his baby brother before we brought him home from the hospital. The day after Elias was born (Wed. May 27th) Owen spent the day with friends and Brian joined Elias and I at the hospital. Brian and I went over and over the names we had on our list- we felt (feel) strongly about the importance and gravity of naming a child- speaking into their life this name that will be a part of him/her for the rest of his/her life- hence the lack of a decision (I think we felt strongly about making sure we went through this process allowing enough time to give it the time it's due, and never had that kind of time while chasing Owen and working full-time/going to school). So on the day after Elias was born we finally decided that he would forevermore be "Elias Evers Shope". It was really a special time- just the three of us- talking and discussing various options and combinations. It seems funny to think about it now- he is totally Elias Evers!

Elias (Eh-lie-us) is a family name on Brian's side and a form of Elijah meaning "the Lord is my God" and Evers is the last name of Medgar and Myrlie Evers, heroes of Brian and I. Medgar Evers was a civil rights attorney and activist who was assassinated on June 12, 1963 for his commitment to equal rights for blacks in Mississippi and across the nation

Brian and I took our college students at WVU to Mississippi in May of 2006 for a trip working with John Perkins and his family at the Jonh M. Perkins Center for Reconciliation and Development in Jackson, MS. It was a formative week in our lives, and one of the highlights was a tour of Jackson, MS including Medgar and Myrlie Evers home. Brian and I were both moved to tears to be in this space, and continued to learn about the Evers and their commitment to justice and peace throughout their lives. After reading a biography of Myrlie Evers I remember telling Brian "Evers" would be a name I would like for one of our children, hoping that he/she would seek to care for the poor and oppressed in much the same way that Medgar and Myrlie did (no pressure, Elias!).

And so, Elias Evers was the name we chose for our beautiful son. After we decided on this name for our child, Brian held Elias and told him his name for the first time, blessing and praying over him. It was a special time for all of us and a moment I won't ever forget; to see this man that I love casting vision for our son as he heard his name for the first time. This is why we don't tell people the names we're thinking of beforehand - this is an African tradition that we like to uphold- the child hears his/her name first - from the father. So, if you asked us what names we were thinking of, you received a vague answer for this reason. :)



It fits him, we love it, and can't wait to see how his personality continues to unfold!

Introducing Elias Evers Shope...

Baby Shope is born!

My first day of maternity, Tuesday May 26th, I woke up feeling a bit crampy, but nothing major. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I woke up Brian and told him I was having some contractions, but nothing major and I was going to take a bath and see if they subsided (this was at 6:45am). I couldn't get comfortable in the bath and got out and Brian and I talked about how we would spend what we thought was pre-labor, which can last for hours/days. At about that point Owen was up and Brian started to get him breakfast and make me some toast w/peanut butter. He really wanted to be sure I ate enough- with Owen I didn't eat very much and was so very tired by the end. So Brian, the dutiful husband, was feeding Owen breakfast, getting him dressed, and insisting that I eat. I was really trying, but feeling a bit nauseous at that point and the contractions were really intense. I could really feel the baby moving down and I was nervous that if it was this painful at what I thought was 3/4 cm, what would it be like at 10???!!

Owen was so early and this baby much bigger, so I was a bit nervous. Brian called our doula, Amanda, and Audrey and Nick to come and get Owen. It was about 9am at this point. Nick came to get Owen, who I was actually trying to avoid b/c I was sounding out the contractions (think whale-like sounds as you breathe out! :) and didn't want to scare him. I was telling him, "it's ok, O, Mommy's just being silly!" but he wasn't so sure. He kept coming into the bathroom where I was rocking over the vanity to see what I was doing in there. :) Nick came to pick him up and I was so relieved that he would be taken care of and not upset by seeing me in pain. I had worked so hard to make sure everyone who took care of him would know the drill and his likes/dislikes so there were instructions, but his bag wasn't packed. Brian was quickly getting the diaper bag together and I am yelling out from the bathroom, "don't forget the sheet for the pack n' play" between contractions. :)

In the meantime I had called my parents and Janine to tell them I was in labor and to pray, pray, pray! I think I scared my poor Dad; I had to put the phone down during a contraction and after I got back on he said you guys better get to the hospital quick! :)

Once Owen left Brian was gathering up my stuff and helping me breathe and move. I was actually a bit frustrated with myself because I wasn't moving as much as I did with Owen and I thought that would help, but I just couldn't move out of the position that I was in (which was leaning over the ottoman with my head down and my belly in the air or on all fours rocking back and forth). Our doula Amanda came in and I couldn't even look up. I moaned a greeting and she immediately started timing my contractions (did I mention Brian had also called our dr. at this point). Only a few minutes after she arrived she was telling Brian, "we need to go NOW! they're 2 min apart!" I was not wanting to move, let alone get in the car, and I was pleading with her, "I have to be at at least 5-6 cm, right? since they're this intense? right Amanda???!!!" They finally got me in the car and Brian drove like a maniac to the hospital, which is about 10 min. away. I was aware of what was going on, but very much turned into myself, concentrating, and pulling in. It was different that I was with Owen, and I don't really know how to explain it. I was hearing them talking, but kind of far away at the same time.

At this point my water still hadn't broken, and we arrived at the hospital and were met by a Fuller student who's a chaplain there. She wheeled us to labor & delivery and Brian and Amanda began answering questions of the staff. When they brought me into the delivery room the nurse who helped us with Owen, Nicole, was there. I said, "I can't believe you're here!!! I told our friends I wanted you to be here for this brth!" and she laughed and actually switched patients so she could be with us. She said, "weren't you guys just here! wow!" yeah, pretty much! :)She remembered Owen and asked how he was doing with his lip- it was so cool, so much a God-thing and I had an overwhelming sense at that point that I was ok, things were being taken care of, and although I was overwhelmed with the speed at which this was happening to my body (it seemed to just take over and have a mind of its own) I was going to be able to do this. It was 10:30am at this point.

There wasn't time for any monitoring or anything (my water still hadn't broken). We had everything prepared and packed this time- cold soda cans to roll on my back, a playlist on itunes, the birth ball, lights for ambience, my lavender lotion, and there wasn't time for any of it!! I didn't even get to wear the long tank I wore for Owen's birth- I didn't have time to change out of my pajama pants and t-shirt (that morning I had originally planned to paint my toenails and put in my contacts, but as the contractions mounted with every passing second those plans flew out the window!!!). Ha!

Nicole checked me, said I was probably at 8cm, but she felt a bulge (which she originally thought was the umbilical cord) which scared us a bit, but then another nurse, Susan, checked me and found it was the water bag and I was at 10 cm. Hallelujah!! They moved very, very quickly at that point getting the mirror in position, the baby warmer, and all the other gear. Our dr. still wasn't here at this point, but I didn't care! I was fine with the nurses catching the baby. :) He arrived a few moments later and broke my water, Brian got behind me to help support me while pushing and after 3-4 pushes, at 10:58am, we had our little boy! I think we were both in shock, it happened so fast. I saw that he was a boy before the doctor, as he was holding him up, and laughed that everyone that he was a girl.

We admired our new addition and explained that he didn't yet have a name ( we only had definite girl names chosen, but the list hadn't been narrowed for the boy names). Then we began the calls to our families to share our new little miracle and sat back and marveled in all that you can accomplish in 4 and 1/2 hours!! (no that's not a typo!) :)

Look at our beautiful boy...all 7lbs. 14.6 oz. and 19 in. of him...











God is so good! We are thrilled with our new little bug and excited to continue our adventure in parenthood with 2 boys...speaking of 2 boys...

Owen met his new little brother that very night and was quite excited, and then he saw the straw in my water pitcher and started walking around our hospital room pushing the tray table. Fun stuff! If only he knew how much his life had just changed!! :)





Much more to say, but I didn't get a nap today and the 3.5 hr. stretches of sleep (if we're lucky) don't leave much brain function to be had at 11pm! :) Stay tuned for more on how we named our new baby boy and the 1st 7 weeks with two littles.